Oooh! My First Critique!!!

Some lady my MIL's boyfriend is acquainted with called me "mildly amusing, profane, and completely full of herself."

Fuckin' A!!!

First off, my goal is to be amusing. Even "mildly" so, by a woman's estimation. Because truth is, we modern Western women are utter bitches, so for one of us to admit that another is "not UTTERLY fugly" or "mildly amusing" is damn near a Nobel Prize For Awesomeness.

Because we've been raised in this totally fucked-up culture that leads us to believe that the more pedestrian, the more mundane, the tackier, the more promiscuous, uglier, stupider, and fatter we can declare that OTHER bitch to be, this automatically elevates us to the level of prettier, thinner, smarter, wittier, more refined, more tasteful, and tighter of cunt.

Well, fuck that with a rake. I refuse to participate. It does not actually violate ANY laws of time or space if more than one of us vagina-bearers is, at any given time, equally smart, or witty, or pretty, or sexy, or orgasmy-inducingly-tongue-talented. COMPETITION IS FOR THOSE STUPID TWATS WHO THINK PAGEANTS ARE FUN. REAL LIFE IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN FOR THE REST OF US, GETTING DRUNK IN THE HOTEL BAR WITH THE FLAMINGLY GAY PAGEANT "JUDGES."

So if anyone out there in reader-land is just burning with desire to tell me how arrogant, how self-centered, how utterly cunt-tastic I am because I adopt an online persona of fabulous confidence and self-assured-ness, then I cordially invite you to DIP MY COCK IN CHOCOLATE AND THEN SUCK IT TILL YOU'RE BLUE IN THE FACE, YOU JEALOUS BITCH. And that's damn near as diplomatic as I care to phrase my opinion, DARLIN'.

PS--My six-year-old daughter is in first grade, surrounded by girls who are probably the daughters of insecure ladies like yourself, who tell her that "only babies don't have boyfriends," and "those jeans make your butt look big." My daughter? She's the one saying "Wow! I'm awesome! Look, here's how you do that, now you're awesome, too!!" So who's fucking it up by being all egotistical and shit, BITCH???