The Process . . .

Cooking (with the exception of baking* and that fruity molecular gastronomy shit) is an ART, not a science. To train artists, they used to make them copy the works of The Masters until they no longer had to think in terms of color theory and composition, but their eyes and hands conspired happily no matter how drunk or fucked up from mercury poisoning they happened to be. You should think of recipes the same way, especially if you emulate me and go searching for recipes that call for half a cup of wine just so you have an excuse to open and then drink a bottle before 4 pm.

For one thing, the novice cook should choose her recipes wisely. If you're learning theory and technique from some asshat on AllRecipes.com who thinks I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! is an acceptable cooking fat, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

Second, you need to keep in mind that you're only following a recipe so that you can get a feel for proportion and order of execution. Once you start skimming recipes to reassure yourself that you're not forgetting any little fiddly ingredient, once you start reading recipes and going, "oooh, this would be so much better with X," you're ready to stop knocking off the Mona Lisa and start composing original work.

Most of the time, I start craving something I've known how to make since I was seven, and just throw it together, and at some point I'll knock back a few doubles and write out a witty tutorial for all you pleebs. Others, I'll eat something that's just so utterly fabulous I can't stop obsessing until I've figured out how to make it myself, but better.

In the latter scenario, I'll spend an afternoon or two Googling recipes. The first results on the page are always for some bullshit from AllRecipes.com where Bertha from Salt Lake City says "Jambalaya is such a hassle to make, but here's my aunt's recipe for a jambalaya tater tot casserole!!! My sister-wives love this!!"

There's only one reason to ever, EVER click through to AllRecipes: to point and laugh. And maybe to troll the comments board.

Use common sense. If you're looking for a recipe for authentic pho, you probably don't want to waste your time with that link from QuickAndEasy.com. If you're brushing up on pan-fried chicken, SouthernCooking.net is most likely worth your time. If you really needed to read this paragraph, go look at porn or Oprah clips and get the fuck off my blog.

So I'll go through and find five or six awesome authentic recipes for whatever it is I'm trying to make. And I'll compare them; most of the time, aside from small deviations in proportions, they're nearly identical at the root. I'll make note of what ingredients are constant, what ingredients change, what methods I know from experience work well. I might find one recipe that calls for an impressive array of spices yet uses a MICROWAVE, FOR TIT'S SAKE in the cooking process, and another which sounds pretty bland in the seasoning department but has instructions for an interesting technique I've never screwed around with before.

After I've got all these different variations on the theme floating around in my head, I go all Dr. Frankenstein on that shit, and after I've tasted it and confirmed my highly-inflated opinion of my own genius, I send that tasty-ass monster shambling on down the Intertubes to you. You're welcome.


*Most baking, for most cooks. Some of us are just awesome, and can make shit up in ways that make the rest of you weep with envy. One of my temperamental muses, the lovely Bonnie Cherry, for instance, will get bored on a Thursday night and devise a recipe for some chocolate ganache-encrusted tidbit that, when shared, will elicit five marriage proposals and an offer of free rent. Myself, I can just throw flour and fat and salt at my pampered sourdough starter and come out with a loaf of bread that redefines the parameters of delicious. Most of you, though, need a mix and a recipe and a good hefty dose of angel magic to get a damned cake to rise, you poor bastards. So don't go screwing with baking recipes unless you've laid in a good supply of bulk flour and patience.